the prodigal city girl

There’s someone sitting in this room…and your family has been faithfully PRAYING for you to come home. Someone in here NEEDS to go home.

Little did I know – as I sat front row, dead and center in the church’s auditorium, hair messy, running clothes still damp from sweat – that those words were being spoken to me. I always thought of a prodigal as purely the reckless, frivolous money spending son.

…But I soon realized that it was also the self sabotaging, city enslaved daughters.

I still can’t really believe that I’m sitting here, shower hair in a messy bun, typing on my flipping FOR REAL WEBSITE. Having this space is literally a redemption piece to my story. That might sound dramatic, and you might be thinking: Okay AG, calm your tushie down, it’s just a blog. Let me tell you, this sucker has been in the works since September. THAT’S 6 MONTHS! And might I say – worth every single one. It is everything that my artistically scattered vision has ever longed for, and now, IT’S THE REAL THANG! Ever since I was a little girl, writing/word vomiting/chicken scratched letters and journal entries have been my love language, how I process, and how I can adequately purge precisely what I feel. That’s the thing about words. They have a lot of power. They have the power to tear down and the power to build up. The power to jab a knife in one’s heart, and the power to help heal a void. The power to make someone feel empty and weak, and the power to make someone feel known and loved.

And when I packed my bags and swapped small town life for the big city, words are truly what upheld me in perhaps the darkest moments I have ever experienced. You see, for over 10 years, I fervently prayed my way to Los Angeles. I thought it would be my ultimate Holy grail; where my head full of dreams would burst forth. I would often hear a lot of warm & fuzzy proclamations like, “You’re going to change the world!!!” or “LA is not ready for you!” or “You’re going to do big things!!!” While I appreciated people’s support and admiration and belief in me and this new venture on the opposite coast, I absorbed it and let it feed my ego without even realizing it at first. For a year and a half, I truly believed that every ounce of my success was based upon that city.

Often times, we set off to do something, assuming that we will somehow be a big change for it and get our self glory amped up. It’s really a “What’s in it for me?!” mindset. The problem with this though, is that we often anticipate only things that we WANT (aka self gratification)…not what we NEED (aka the uncomfortable Holy slap in the face/soulful awakening). Sometimes, I think that instead of setting out to think we’re going to be a badass and “change the world”…what we need is that something to change US. Los Angeles, man. It sure did change me. And not in the ways I had the bar raised HIGH for. You know what happened? It felt like an embrace from satan. Sure, I had some cool experiences, met cool people, worked on some big names, even stood by Demi Lovato in a luxe spa as I waited to meet with a manager.*signing autographs on her behalf* *you’re welcome* However, every single time life would ease up, a sick plot twist or something mildly traumatizing would happen. Every time. I thought about RUNNING away on several occasions…believe me.

I was in 2 freak car accidents, lived with – uhm – really scary people (Stranger Things, Season 5: #LACreatures), jumped from one apartment to another, worked a dream job that soon turned to sexual misconduct/manipulation and abuse/left on the spot, broke up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years, and landed in the absolute darkest season of my life. I was lonely. So isolated and lonely. But “Time,” I thought. “Just give it time.” Underneath my layers though, my deepest fears of peacing out were 1) Missing out. 2) Looking like a failure. 3) Feeling like a failure. I wanted to keep my cool card, my perception, and the ambitious, adventurous girl that everyone saw me as.

Through some less than ideal situations and experiences, a downward spiral, and hitting rock bottom, I realized that I needed to make appropriate changes. I needed to do hard things. I needed to take a look at my hair that was falling out, caffeine and alcohol cravings, and the apathetic haze I would awaken with each morning, and do something about it. I did not want to feel this way. I wasn’t created to feel this way. And so, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. It didn’t come easily either. Everything began to fall a part…obliterate to smithereens. At first, I saw it as a curse. Looking back? It was as if the Lord was blocking any and every move I attempted, to stay. My flesh wanted to be the badass girl that was “better” than her circumstances and tenaciously pressing on, despite how damaging it was. God protected me, and things fell a part in the most beautiful way.

-I was in the lead for a DREAM job as a social media manager – unlimited vacay, salary, a brand I LOVED. And I knew I would get it. I was 99.99999% positive. The day of the interview that I was on pins and needles for? The interviewer didn’t show up. In typical LA fashion, I was ghosted completely. Hey Goodr – I love your glasses, but your management kind of sucks. But I can now say: Thank you, truly, for being sucky.

-Initially, my roommate would be subletting her room in our apartment for the 2 months she would be in NYC. We joked that if something crazy happened and I also “happened to decide to move”, January would be the WORST timing. Turns out? She decided to move out permanently. By me putting in my notice and moving out (IN January), it helped her to take a crazy leap of faith and REPLANT to the East Coast.

-The LA Marathon. Ok; I would JUST stay until March to chase down that BQ goal. Well, in December, I “happened” to have a right side injury – HIP TO ANKLE – recovery time being juuuust enough to keep me OUT of that particular race. SO unfair, right?!

-In my grief, heartbreak, utter loneliness, and craving any and every teaspoon of affection from any male…I was enticed by someone who had reached out. We planned to spend a day together. Despite the fact that his Instagram account was sprinkled with porn, our age gap was uncanny, and the rational voices from my closest friends to my irrational, heart wrenched, crumbling life spoke highly against any connection between the 2 of us (They were spot freaking ON)…I agreed to see him anyway. And then, a road trip to Washington state “got in the way”.

Thank you Jesus for bringing it all to ruins. I sit here today, in awe of the Father. Anything and everything that I could have done to STAY…was destroyed. Coincidence? There is no earthly way. I thought that God would rescue me in my pit of despair IN the city…turns out? He was rescuing me by plucking me OUT of the city. As I sit here – mentally stable, sane, joyful, ambitious, full of purpose, delighting in who God IS – I can’t help but see the miracle it is that all of this happened. I was NOT in a stable headspace in 2019. To be looked at and in my daily encounters, no one would have thought otherwise. Only those closest to my mania and breakdowns and irrational way of thinking, had even the smallest glimpse into it. ONLY those who saw the ugliest side of my grief would know. Trust me. Down to every microscopic detail, I reflect and see how He literally rescued my very SOUL from situations I was putting myself in – good or bad – and was my sword and shield, even when I turned my back to Him, closed my Bible, and gave wholeness the middle finger. 10 years of hoping and dreaming and praying, and I needed to breakup with the big city and replant. The lead up to this is a WHOLE other story in and of itself (to be told soon! ish!). So, I left.

And so, here I am. And here is this blog. And here are my words. This is where my story continues. I can say that I have not felt this happy in the longest time. I will share more about my experiences in the days to come, but I can say confidently that I believe God’s grace and mercy can taste all the sweeter when we come out on the other side of that pit of utter despair. I am all about being real, and my hope and prayer for this space is that you would truly feel welcomed and like your voice is heard. Whether that be through a comment, email, or some projects I will be launching soon, I want this little slice of the web to feel like a safe haven of sorts. I know firsthand what it feels like to only have community via text, facetime, and messenger. I also know firsthand how crippling isolation is, and how it only but flirts with depression, or often holds its hand. I am fully aware that social media has its flaws, but I also believe that it can bring togetherness, community, and joy. If you’ve browsed around this little space of mine, read my bio, had a glimpse into other posts, then you probably have a good picture as to who I am and what I am all about. I want you to know that doing life with people truly is the essence of my heart, and I hope that if you ever find yourself in a tough spot, need a listening ear, word of encouragement, have an absurdly brilliant idea you just HAVE to share, or need a cheerleader to remind you, “YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH!!!” I am here for just that.

Here, you will find everything from my slightly fly-by-the-seat-of-your pants lifestyle and adventurous spurts, spiritual “EUREKA!”s, life as both a mildly crazy artist and wild runner with mildly insane goals and ambitions and visions, fitness industry myths/realizations/tips on how not to sh*t your pants during a race, unpopular opinions (Awh yeah!!!) (This is where “Unsubscribe” will be clicked multiple times;)), and all of the in between nitty grits of my life, where my heart is at, and soul food from me to you. I like to think of this blog as a living room, where we all sit around, get cozy, order pizza or Chinese takeout, crack open Trader Joe’s $2.99 wine, don’t wear pants (jk) (but not really), share our hearts, laugh, cry, ponder, and do life together. Yeah?! YEAH!

A few noteworthy things to warm you up + give you a glimpse into my soul (wink):

• I like lukewarm coffee. Seriously. I just finished a mug that was left out for 24ish hours. And yeah; it was #delish.
• Nonfiction is how I roll. I’ll take a documentary or biography over fiction, Sci-Fi, or Game of Thrones any day. Also, documentaries about singers/bands make me feel like their friend when it’s over, and I’ll end up suddenly liking their music, even if I’ve hated it in the past. Ask me about Amy Winehouse and the Foo Fighters!
• As much as I try and pretend that I don’t have small town, southern roots…spend a day with me, and you’ll see the truth. 😉 I don’t like country music, but I do love driving down backroads with (wait for it) THE WINDOWS DOWN. Even if it’s the dead of winter. I will turn on the heat, but I will crack my windows and turn the music up (super) loud. And sing my heart out to it…also (super) loud. Zero shame, baby!
• I have, in fact, been skinny dipping. Twice. With great company. Do I recommend it? 100%. Did you need the visual? Probably not. Did I tell you anyway? Why yes; because #KeepingItReal, right?

I am glad you’re here. Roam around, share anything from the icons below, hit SUBSCRIBE on the home page, and make yourself at home. WELCOME!