If you’re starting to feel the weight of the forced quarantining current social distancing, I want you to know that I have been there too. It was much before COVID19 hit, but it brings me back to a time where the quietness was unbearable, and the isolation was intense. If this is you today: I want to remind you to take heart, keep faith, and with a heaping tablespoon of tenacity, know that you WILL get through this. I’m going to share some of my less than pleasant, unsexy moments as a city girl, to remind you WHY we need each other, why we need not cower, and why you need to do your part too, lonely heart, and reach out to somebody.
If I close my eyes, allow my thoughts to untangle, and ease into the past…I can go back to a very specific time in my life. I can step right back into a reality of the past, as if I am there all over again. I can smell the lemongrass oil a colleague gave me to sample; or the dreary stench of a dimly lit apartment hallway. I can taste the cheap mini bagels and peanut butter I practically lived off of, or the metallic aftertaste of unfiltered water. The sound of the lock turning the doorknob to the apartment’s heavy door, rings in my ears. A knot sinks into the pit of my stomach, as I recall that door opening. Lord, I’m scared to even walk inside. Help me to just get to my room. Please just keep me safe.
And as I close my eyes, I can revisit the first night that thoughts of suicide seemed sweeter than the crippling isolation and loneliness that was drowning me. The following recollections are unfortunately but a mere fraction of everything I experienced in the last 2.5 years. But, this is the night – one, out of many more, in the days ahead – that everything in my life seemed to snap. Curled up in the floor of my LA apartment one night, I felt the crippling reality that I truly was doing this all alone .
My car was nearly totaled and undrivable from someone ramming into me on the freeway that morning. My significant (at the time) was at Nationals in Iowa for XC, and then home for another week for Thanksgiving. My loved ones were a coast and time zone away. I had symptoms of concussion from the accident, and was trying to figure out what to do. And I had nobody. My community was zero. My roommate was emotionally unstable, aggressive, and gave me the silent treatment (I asked if she had Ibuprofen for the headache I had from the accident, with no reply). I never knew why, and to this day, still don’t. My supervisor was manic-depressed, and also emotionally unstable. Everywhere I turned; everywhere I went…nobody. All I had was myself and the mercy of my phone on 30% and the Uber app.
So, that late LA night, I Ubered to get a medical exam. Insurance card in hand, I walked inside, and no sooner was referred elsewhere. Dying phone in hand, I confirmed another Uber driver, and found myself in a sketchy LA suburb. I walked inside, handed my insurance card, and was sent away again. This time though, it was to the ER. I tried to just breathe. I confirmed another Uber driver, and felt panic setting in. Curbside, waiting for yet another ride late at night, sketchiest part of town, dizzy and head spinning, knees tucked into my chest…I broke down and cried. I just want someone here with me. I don’t want to be alone. All I wanted was a literal presence…and it was just me, my phone now on 20%, and an Uber app.
Ironically, the ER was the happiest place I had been all day. My doctors were incredibly kind. I was forced to be wheeled to a room for a CT scan. For the first time, I felt cared for. I felt safe. And then, hours later, wrist decorated with a hospital band, I walked into an empty, dark apartment. Nobody. I opened my bedroom window and listened to traffic blazing through; just outside the walls. I locked my door, knowing my unstable roommate would be back any minute. My head hurt. My body was physically and emotionally drained.
If I walk into this empty, dark apartment one more night, I’m going to snap.
Little did I know, the next year would be equally spent in many more moments like these, begging God for comfort, and worst case scenarios actually coming true. Everyday, I was surrounded by people. All the time, everywhere, everyday. Bumper to bumper on the freeway and in a treatment room literally touching people for 8 hours and bumper to bumper on the way back home and in human traffic jams in line for a dang carton of eggs at Trader Joe’s and a sea of loud, smiling, handshaking people at a “community” church. Thousands of people had seen me, heard me in passing by, perhaps even acknowledged me…and yet? Not a soul knew me. So, what changed, you ask? Well, aside from only a slew of things + packing every single bag a year and a half later, booking it back to NC (where I HAD community)…I realized that I found the most joy, freedom, and healing in reaching out to others, instead of waiting for them to reach out to me. To this day, some of the most incredible conversations, happenings, and friendships have emerged from just that.
In Los Angeles, I knew nobody, I had nobody, and I felt like nobody. I felt invisible. I felt dead. A razor to my skin would have felt better. We can only survive holding our breath beneath the water for so long. Eventually, we must bring our head above the water. If we don’t, we’ll drown. Isolation is not a place we were meant to thrive in. We must come OUT. We need not stay. We were not CREATED to stay.
And as this week’s current events with COVID19 has taken place, I think many of us…especially as we begin to be personally affected by it…perhaps are feeling twinges of this. Or, you might already feel the emptiness of what life feels like when community is separated. Many of us are at an utter loss for words. One day, the world is thriving and merry and life is moving just as we plan and anticipate, and the next? In 1 week’s time, the world in which we go and do as we please, is suddenly on a mass lockdown. If you keep up with my stories (seriously, #FiresideChatFriday should become a thing;)) or thoughts on Facebook, then you are fully aware of all my thoughts both biologically and economically. Despite the roots of this all, This is my 1 whopping tip for you:
Do Not Cower Away In Solitude
Stop waiting for someone to reach out to you, lonely heart, and GO REACH OUT TO SOMEBODY. They need you too. If you’re watching the minutes tick by on the couch, GET UP. If you’re depressively sleeping the day away, GET UP. If you’re aimlessly scrolling through your phone, GET UP. If you’re wallowing in loneliness and isolation…GET UP. BE the change that you desire to see. Treat someone else how you want to be treated in your darkest moments.
I have not, in fact, frantically bought out all the toilet paper and water. I am not afraid. I am not hopeless. And though I have refused to “social distance” and currently sit with a friend in her sunroom (fist bump, Renee!), my heart can FEEL the social disconnection among many in our nation, and almost the magnetic force of WE THE PEOPLE thirsting for each other’s company, where we thrive best. The truth is this: We were created for each other. Ecclesiastes 9 says to, “Enjoy life with the one you love,” and to “Go, eat your bread with joy, and drink your wine with a merry heart, for God has already approved what you do.” You can go ahead and throw a tomato, but I think that COVID19 has made the world fall a part in the most beautiful way. Why? Because with our personal bubble being shattered, self gratification delayed, and having to do uncomfortable things…we essentially have 2 choices at the moment: A) Isolate. OR B) Take heart, take courage, GET UP, and go be the change.
I think that these next 2 weeks will be a real telltale indicator of both what WE the PEOPLE are MADE OF…but also a reminder that living in the present moment, WITH people, and thriving with simplicity…is a lost art that we can, indeed, restore. I’ve seen massive, even disturbing volumes of lockdowns and rules and regulations. I’ve questioned our governing body more than ever. I’ve seen ridiculous portions of fear and panic and store shelves cleaned off. I’ve pondered the roots of how we seem to be groomed by a fear tactic and misleading trust to a higher authority…but I have also seen WE THE PEOPLE…joining forces and bonding together. Standing strong. Standing firm. And I want us to continue doing that.
The immense panic, fear mongering articles and media coverage, and grocery shoppers flipping out, is only but feeding into passivity among us. I’ve seen fear and even apathy and a herd mentality that kind of hates the conspirers; but you know what else I’ve seen?
I’ve seen community and compassion and empathy and hearts ready to RISE to the occasion.
I’ve stood in grocery store lines, and seen people not ONLY let someone ahead of them…but pay for their groceries too.
I’ve seen kids outside laughing and running around and playing.
I’ve seen employers fight tooth and nail for their workforce; treating them as brothers and sisters.
I’ve seen teachers in school buses, delivering meals to students’ doors, when students can’t be within the school body.
I’ve seen texts sent to check in on one another, which in turn, became a collaboration to help the community.
I’ve seen sacrifice, and a willingness to set aside comfort, for getting uncomfortable.
I’ve seen life starting to be…LIVED. I’ve seen more phones put down, and more interaction. Less texting, and more conversation. And it is beautiful.
Jesus said that He came not to bring PEACE, but a SWORD to this Earth (Matt. 10). And so, let us NOT cower, even when the unknowns come and we’re stuck in a peculiar limbo. Let’s stand firm, even in the midst of this chapter of unknowns and WHAT IFS. Let’s be brave, even if it means looking utterly foolish, questioning the herd mentality, or taking action when we otherwise would sit on the couch. Let’s love fervently, even when it is not convenient. Let’s take even just 7 seconds to check in on our community. Let’s learn the uncomfortable art of sacrifice, even if it means giving up self gratification, ease, and doing unto others, when we would rather foster “me time”. Let’s open our eyes. Let’s plead with the Lord for wisdom, even if it means shutting off MEDIA, or taking it with a grain of salt. And let’s not fear those who can kill the body, but cannot kill the soul (Matt. 10). The darkness CANNOT overcome the light. But, do we actually believe that and live like it?