To The Girl Without A Ring On Her Finger

“…As I have been easing into womanhood and fighting/surviving to take care of myself, so I desire the same care from a significant other or a spouse. I am at a point of relationally seeking a husband; not a long term dating relationship, a fuzzy future, and staying in hopes of getting a ring that might not ever come.”

One year ago, I typed out a 2 page letter and read those words to my ex. One year later, and though my feelings and attachments towards that relationship have faded, I sometimes catch myself staring at my bare hand. Yesterday marked an entire year of surviving the living hell that became my life. The chapter closed to my relationship was only but the beginning of what would soon go from bad to worse, in my personal life.

You see, on 10/16/19, a FaceTime call popped up on my laptop screen. I smiled, clicked the green “answer” button, and was dumped less than a minute later. I closed my laptop, in shock. I wasn’t sure if I felt sheer relief, or if I was about to have a panic attack in a coffee shop. Los Angeles suddenly felt even bigger, and the nights felt all the lonelier. For nearly 3 years, my hopes and dreams were built upon a relationship that, in 10 minutes’ time, ended on a screen. A mental filmstrip of memories and plans and what could have been, flooded my mind for weeks after.

“I WANT TO MARRY YOU, ANNA. I COULD SAVE UP, BUY A RING…”

2 years prior, he spoke those words as he held me in his arms. And so, we dedicated our life moves – weeks of premarital counseling, moving to California, daydreaming of the future – to just that. He was my “first” for everything…and for all I knew, he would be the last. Something crazy would have to happen for us to breakup. But, just as The Titanic was supposedly “unsinkable”, so it seemed with our bond. And then, something crazy happened.

“I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Let me tell you, hearing that is a hard pill to swallow. Each morning, I’d wake up in a haze. He’s gone. That was my first thought. I had a lot to heal from, but the biggest was the dress I wouldn’t be wearing, and the ring that wouldn’t be placed on my finger.

” 10/18/19

HE IS WHO I WAS SUPPOSED TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH. HE WAS WHO I THOUGHT WOULD BE MY FOREVER. HE IS WHO I WAS SUPPOSED TO MARRY IN THAT OPEN BACK DRESS. AND HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MAN TO FULLY PURSUE AND LEAD ME.

BUT GONE ARE THOSE DAYS.

GONE ARE THE GOOD TIMES.

GONE IS THE DAYDREAMING.

ONE CHAPTER CLOSED; ANOTHER OPENED.

GOD, HELP ME.”

One year later, and though much has mended, much has healed, and I’ve even fallen in love again (something I legitimately never thought would happen, at that time)…

I feel like I am the essence of Ivory Layne’s “Boy Loves Me” (give it a listen and you’ll quickly understand). I am not crippled by being a single little lady, but I also “Love when the boy loves me”. Basically, I kind of have the best of both worlds. But here lately, as I reminisce of one year ago, feel it in my body, and it simultaneously feels like a bazillion females are getting engaged all at once…my bare hand serves as a painful reminder.

Casually dating and daydreaming is one thing, but actively talking about and working towards marriage for 2.5 years with someone you loved deeply…is really difficult, scarring, even a bit traumatizing to detach from. As I sit here, I wonder how many other girls are out there whose left ring finger was an “almost”. I wonder who else thought they would have a ring on their finger. I wonder who else feels like the words, “I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty.” [Ru. 1:21]

TO THE GIRL WITHOUT A RING ON HER FINGER…

I see you. You put your heart out on the line, entrusted it to someone else, and gave it a chance. And now, here you sit. What was once protected and held, now bleeds through the cracks of what once was. It feels like seemingly every female under the sun is dating, engaged, wedded and bedded, or worse – younger than you are, and popping out another baby. How did that happen? What is in the air? How the hell were you THAT close to the big “life question” with your significant…only for it to end?

You too enjoy the best of both worlds, yet love songs kind of make you cringe, more than they bring butterflies. You want to be over the moon, slap happy for all 982734 engagements that just happened over the weekend, but feel a peculiar bittersweetness instead. Deep down, you are really, truly happy for them. Yet in that same breath, a large piece of you kind of wants to throw up if you hear one more love story, engagement story, and you’d rather hide in your closet, cry, and listen to “Cornelia Street” (for me, it would just be “Placerita Canyon Road” instead) on repeat a thousand times. You’re not unhappy for anyone else’s happiness, but rather, reminded of the fact that you supposedly “lack” what every other girl seems to have. Even worse, it is a salt shaking reminder of what you almost had.

Like that ring on your finger.

Dammit; why does everyone else have one? Why, even post breakup, do you seem to have promising almost lovers walk into your life…only to become a tally mark of another “could have been”?

I see you, sister. I love being independent and I love being loved. I love both. Maybe you do too. But if we’re being honest with ourselves, we’d probably admit that there is a deep, inward cringe and strange coldness when others have success in the dating department, and we’re still healing in some aspect or another.

You want to be happy, but the warm fuzzies feel kind of forced. You’ve never seen more hands with shiny things on Facebook in your life, and if you’re really honest, you even start to feel a bit emotionally detached from the romantic hype. You secretly wish that your hand had one of those shiny cliches, and you also remember how many emotions are invested into the dating scene. Every girl’s Instagram caption about her devotion to her man feat. a Bible verse takes you right back to when that was you. Hatred emerges in your heart and you roll your eyes, but you just as quickly realize that these feelings are actually a reflection of you.

To the girl without a ring on her finger…

Damaged. Broken. Unlovable. Is this your subconscious narrative? For nearly a year, it was mine. You left with your bags full of hopes and dreams and expectations, and instead, you were brought back with bags in your heart. You expected a ring, and instead, you bear a ringless finger. It’s easy to carry that into the present moment. I sure have this week. My only saving grace has been the month’s fast from social media. I’ve joked that by the time I log back on, I’ll have missed at least 3 engagements, 3 weddings, and 3 births, but it’s actually true. In fact, I’ve already heard of 3 engagements through the grapevine. What a week. Last year, October 16th felt like the end of me. Had it not been for roommates seeing me through and a friend making an “emergency flight” to Los Angeles, I would have been done for. I can close my eyes and clearly remember thinking,

“I will never get through this.”

Yet one year later, ringless finger and all, I made it through.

And so did you, sister. A friend so lovingly reminded me this week, “Just think: You’ve made it an entire year, and a year later, it all is behind you.” I want to remind you this evening, that yesterday’s events were just that. YESTERDAY. And this is today. Today is new. The old is gone; the new has come.

To the girl without a ring on her finger…

In a culture that idolizes marriage (and sex and babies) as the ultimate Holy grail, it is easy to become otherwise idle to the outside world and cease to be proactive. I want you to get up. This season of independency is not to be wasted. A husband is a beautiful gift from God, and you should receive him as such. However, you do not NEED a man as your codependent security blanket before doing hard things or tackling life. Listen to me: You are fully capable of doing hard things. Life doesn’t suddenly begin with a man or marriage. Single you will be the dating you will be the married you, so take this time to try things, fail, unpack bags, work on yourself, and ask Heavenly Father to expose things in your heart to light. Do not be an apathetic, mindless drone just cruising through life. Even when it hurts, choose steadfastness, and when God clears the way? You say “YES” and you GO.

Stop waiting around for a man to come and save you, just so you can get things from him and fill a void and feel good. You can hire a servant for that. Go and press into who God has called you to be in the NOW – yes, in your ringless finger singleness – and if you meet him along the race you are running, then keep running with him and spur him on and let him lead you to the FINISH, both of you finishing strong.

To the girl without a ring on her finger: A ring only has as much power over you as you give it. I, for one, think ringless fingers should be redefined. Just as a ring symbolizes two sacrificially binding…the flip side of that – a ringless finger – is to be unbound.

And to be unbound is to be unyoked, and to be unyoked is to be free. So go, free woman. Stop waiting around, and go and pick up your bags in confidence – not because you magically can muster up the strength, but because God is your strength, and he goes before you and will be with you and will not forsake you.

What ringless finger can stop you now?