Last week, I left my job. On the spot. No backup plan or notice. The first 2 sentences of this note were written over the course of 2 months – in some less than great situations – and the last 2 were written 10 minutes before I walked out the door…permanently.
I want to remind you today – you, who feel enslaved to somebody else’s chronic manipulation, guilting, gas lighting, relentless extremity of mood swings and emotions projected onto YOU – that you have permission to walk away. Get out. LEAVE. You are not owned by your current circumstance, and someone else’s emotions CANNOT “get inside of you”. Did you know that? For 23 years of my life, I did not. I allowed (keyword: “allowed”) myself to be a doormat for emotional abuse to be wiped onto, and a sponge to absorb someone else’s feelings. I didn’t know that I had the authority to say, “If you are going to yell, then we need to revisit this conversation when things are calmer,” and walk OUT. I didn’t know that I could, without having to rationalize and feel guilty (which miiiight be an indicator that you’ve been guiltED), tell a male higher power differential that I prefer to: Have co-ed boundaries and wish to NOT meet 101. I didn’t know that I could, without having to overthink and over explain, say “No” and actually mean it. I allowed myself to just suck it up in certain situations, endure, and mentally brush it off. But the thing is – the more we ALLOW ourselves to ALLOW this behavior to project onto us without doing something about it….the more we will only allow it to CONTINUE to happen. It will not stop. It will not get better. Your voice will remain unheard and unattended to. And you will become enslaved to someone else’s unacceptable behavior, stuck in the same cycle of toxicity. Over and over and over again.
It took me over a year to break the cycle. It took being in one situation that led to another situation that led to…..being in completely inappropriate, exploiting situations with one higher up, and subject to verbal and emotional abuse by another. Lofty promises and compliments would be given to me one moment (“We’ve got some BIG plans for you!” was my favorite)….and degrading words, criticism, and COMPLETELY awkward and violating situations the next. My headspace went from, “This is within our scope of practice,” to “Is this really ethical? Why am I always being the one chosen? Why am I constantly touched in this way? And why does it feel like my clothes are being ripped off from my body?” My “success”, client base, and security ALL came with a price.
…Until the day I learned to say “No more.”
And in my circumstance, “I am not subject to someone else’s emotional abuse,” looked like walking in to work, running clothes still on and backpack with change of work clothes still on my shoulders. A situation occurred within minutes of walking through the doors, and something within my 23 year old self…felt like it finally had the strength to put an end to it. It looked like walking into the room where I see my clients, praying and frantically googling Dr. Henry Cloud articles (#confession), and finally, 23 years of being a doormat and emotional sponge and a year of putting up with the utmost of unacceptable…FULLY believing I had the power to leave. Right then and there. I was not enslaved to being someone else’s emotional punching bag, or the other’s trinket to gain self gratification and pleasure by touching OUT of a scope of practice. I was not just some petty little girl with hurt feelings. I was only punishing myself by staying. I was not BOUND to my circumstance. And by staying, I would only be enabling it. I could leave. “Just 10 seconds of courage.”
And so, I did. I took a deep breath, backpack still on shoulders, and walked right up to the front desk. I shook my head “No” as they tried to frantically silence me. I remained calm, but I wanted everyone in that building to hear what had happened to me, and the behavior I would no longer tolerate. And my voice was finally heard. And I finally said “No more.” And I walked right out that door.
And so can you. Let me say this loud and clear: ABUSE has ZERO place at the table. I think that often times, we are so dead set that “this person” or “that job” or “by putting up with that situation” is the ONLY option. I’m here to tell you that it is not. If your success in your job or sport or art or future career path comes with the price of neglect, abuse, and complete disregard to caring for you and lacking integrity, then it is not worth trading yourself as someone else’s punching bag. I’ve been dumbfounded by how many people I know who self-proclaim how horrible their job, coach, teacher, or ANY higher power differential is…and yet…they stay. It is true that when abuse is all we are used to, we tend to either get comfortable with it, OR resort back to it. And unfortunately, we don’t realize just how brainwashed we’ve been until it’s too late, and the BIG boundaries are crossed, or we’re in complete and utter turmoil and an unhealthy headspace. I think that there are even times that we KNOW we need to speak up or walk away, but the fear of someone’s response becomes far greater than fear of addressing the actual problem. We mentally shift gears to prepare for someone else’s anger, wrath, irritability, manipulation, scolding, and the feelings that can make one’s heart and soul suddenly feel like a wilted flower needing water. We prepare for and mentally rehearse and feel all the nervous stomach churning before we even speak. It’s like we assume that because the other party is freaking out, yelling, raging, etc….then we are bound to somehow “absorbing” it and letting it cripple the remaining pieces of us that are healthy, happy, and whole.
I’m here to remind you: Someone else’s anger cannot get inside of you. Someone else’s stress cannot get inside of you. Someone else’s mockery does not have power over you. You are not subject to someone else’s emotional abuse.
Ever. You have boundaries and a voice and values that are more than worth exercising. So use them. Even if it means leaving what you thought would be the ultimate dream. Even if it costs you at first. Even if your expectations were on the opposite end of the spectrum, and reality shattered it. Maybe it’s within a relationship, a job, a sport, a class, a church group…you are not BOUND to your circumstance of abuse, and you are ALLOWED to leave.
“No more.” SAY IT.