Let’s just say it like it is: Breakups suck. There’s no way around it. No matter how emotionally mature you are, no matter how mutual the conclusion was, no matter how respectable the breakup ended, or no matter how many telltale red flags told you to run for the hills, they suck. The human heart was not created to endure such agony. It was not created to become attached – from emotions to bodies to life plans – only to be torn off like a healing scab, in the matter of one conversation. The human heart thrives off of connection and commitment and relationship, and having that disrupted and detached, can bring out colors in ourselves we had no clue even existed.
One minute, you’re a raccoon eyed, sobbing mess. Another, the idea of becoming a nun and living in solitude away from the male specimen sound like fantastic hobbies. The next, you’re binge listening to Taylor Swift, crying some more, drinking some more, and absorbing any and every ounce of affection, attention, and wooing, word candy from any male of any age of any social status and any demographic who lands an eye on you. Everything brings back a memory of your ex, your relationship, or the time you spent together.
Ugh; I can’t go for a run. Running is what brought us together. Ugh; I can’t drive down that road. That one road reminds me of that one conversation we had driving down it that one time. Ugh; I can’t go to that park and take a nap in my Eno. We always went to that park and Eno cuddled. Ugh; I can’t pee. Or eat. Or sleep. Because somehow, someway, peeing and eating and sleeping remind me of him. Ugh.
At least, all of those thoughts flooded my mind a time or 900. The breakup scenario might be worded differently for each of us, but the ridiculously intense influx of emotions and thoughts and feelings and the chest punching sensation of your heart being frozen, blended up, hammered to pieces, and then blended up all over again, are quite consistent. Amen?! Amen. I want you to know first off, that how you feel is normal. Feel like you’re actually verging on insanity? Frequenting panic attacks in your car? Stable for 5 minutes, liquifying into a puddle of tears the next? Remembering the good times one minute, hating them the next, calling your bestest pals for moral support [translate: Talking in circles for 2 hours and crying] the next?
You’re not alone. This is completely normal. But “normal” does not mean that this moment, this feeling, this heartache is permanent. Did you hear that? Let me repeat something: That means that this NORMAL feeling of heartache is TEMPORARY. It probably feels like you will never move forward. You might feel like a wallowing, desperate mess. But I’m here to tell you that moving forward effectively, confidently, and finding HEALING…is very possible. You CAN move forward. And you will be dancing in freedom when you do. Here’s whatchya do, pal:
1. Stop Stalking their social media
You are voluntarily torturing yourself by doing otherwise. Seriously. I beg anyone to differ. Are you really helping yourself out by checking in, seeing who they’re hanging with, what girls are commenting, and the story updates of their life without you in it? Why torture yourself? Why do you have to know? When a 2.5 year relationship of mine reached its conclusion, the best decision I made was to punish my brain, but save my heart, by forcing myself not to take a single peek. Click that unfollow button. And do not take a second glance. Your friends and your ex absolutely have a right to follow each other, if they so choose, but they do not have the right to update you on every piece of your ex’s life. There is no need for you to know, and you need to convey this to anyone who feeds you tidbits of the juicy scoop. How does it even come close to ailing your shattered heart? It doesn’t. At the end of the day, it reveals your deepest ambition to feel a sense of control towards a situation you have zero control over, and a tool to only but wound you all over again. Unfollow their friends, family, mutual connections, if you need to. If you cannot refrain from clicking over, block them if need be. If you are close to some of your ex’s connections, explain to them that it is nothing personal, but purely for your heart to heal.
I chose this, and am so glad I chose to punish my brain, in turn for saving my healing heart. To this day, I have no clue what my ex is up to, no clue what his life looks like, no clue if he has a girlfriend, wife, baby on the way, nothing. Knowing any of that would be willingly choosing to shackle and chain myself. I can say with confidence that sometimes there is far more healing in the unknown, that the known. Remember, you cannot “un-know” the truth.
2. Eat. Pray. Love. Sleep.
Starting with basic, human survival is actually quite crucial. Anytime a gal pal phone calls, FaceTimes, or meets me in the midst of an emotional breakdown, my first question to them literally regards simple, basic, human needs…aka: Survival. Is survival the answer to miraculously healing? Absolutely not. But it is an important 1% of the equation. However, it might save you from passing out, dehydrating, and neurotically making rash decisions. During a breakup, you’re going to be forcing much of this. It’s easy to seemingly forget how to exist, and feel like a mindless drone roaming around [insert: Drinking, T-Swift binging, crying, and repeat]. I was fortunate to have an incredible support network, and several of them would voluntarily text and remind me to drink water and eat anything I could stomach. Set a reminder on your phone if you have to! I am serious. MAKE yourself drink water. Eating a protein bar is better than your stomach digesting itself. Go to bed (which will be easier if you choose not to stalk your ex and his friends on social media), even if you only catch a few hours of sleep. Something is better than nothing.
The hardest part for me wasn’t so much going to bed, but the haze of dreams where my ex would revisit. He appeared not only in my daytime thoughts, but also in my dreams that felt like reality for 10 minutes’ time. This is where prayer was my life saver. I would talk with someone on the phone before I would go to bed, have them pray for me, and pray earnestly for peace over my dreams and for the heaviness to be lifted. Pray for sleep to be sweet, to be calm, to be restful.
3. Don’t drink yourself to death
People laugh when I tell them that Trader Joe’s $2.99 wine was an ultimate companion during my breakup, but it was actually true. Part of it was to numb the pain I couldn’t bear to feel, and part of it was the sheer fact that I wasn’t sleeping. Let me kindly remind you that an occasional, calming glass is permissible; maybe even healthy for your sanity. But 1,2,3,4 glasses before bed, going to sleep dizzy, waking up dehydrated, and craving another glass by noon…is really dangerous and unhealthy. Be mindful of WHY you are drinking. Ask yourself how you’re going to feel afterward. It’s easy to fill our desperate void with drinks, while failing to look inward and working through the root of the issue. God wants you to be whole, but drinking yourself to death anytime there’s post-breakup hurt, will put you in a perpetual detour to wholeness. Numbing yourself is only but band aiding a sensation you don’t want to temporarily feel. In turn, the numbing can actually desensitize you to fully grieving. That brings me to…
4. Let yourself grieve
Don’t fool yourself into believing that the day after your breakup, you’re totally fine and so over it and so don’t give a damn. I’m pretty intuitive as to if a woman is going through a breakup, separation, or divorce. Often times, the attitude I’ve seen (especially on social media) is that there’s suddenly this elevated ego, life altering decision, countless sensual makeup and selfies, and probably a bunch of rants about how happy they are as an #IndependentWoman. Well, I’m here to tell you should actually give a damn. You need not wallow in your emotions by way of eating your weight in Twinkies, cowering in your dark room, skipping work, and listening to cliche love ballads 24/7. But, you should absolutely take the time to allow grief’s intensity to work its way through. Pretending you’re a badass who has their life together, thoughts together, and are so much happier without their ex before processing anything, ultimately reveals the deepest wounds you are afraid to mend. It reveals your heart’s insatiable hunger for approval, love, and the many unpacked bags you need to sort through, name, and put away. You are not suddenly “better” than your circumstances. It’s healthy to cry and talk in circles to your friend for 2 hours and to feel the weight of what happened. That is how you process. You will come face to face with what you did right, what you did wrong, where you can do better next time, and what will make you whole again. You will get a true glimpse into who you really are, what you’re capable of, what you’ve been through, and come out with a head and heart that eventually become stronger than your grief.
5. Don’t move on too quickly – it’s okay to Process
The heart is a strong, tenacious, and powerful piece of us at its best. But remember that it can equally be very fragile and delicate in those weaker moments. We need not build walls, denying anyone an entrance, but it is important to give it time and care. You wouldn’t immediately run 10 miles after a cast coming off a broken leg, would you? So it goes with the heart. Just as it is important to feel and work through grief in its ebbs and flows, so it goes with taking your time to process. It’s easy to fuel yourself with distraction, things to do, and even a new person. I want to kindly remind you that during a breakup and its array of emotions, you are not cognitively clearcut. Your heart is pretty wrung out. Your emotions are surging. It’s a peculiar concoction of hurt, anger, despair, and perhaps one the most dangerous – longing. This can fuel the art of reckless and impulsive decisions. When my relationship ended, I literally did everything in my power to distract. Piano lessons one minute, night hikes the next, absorbing any and every ounce of affection from any male human the next, impulse decisions fueled the next (like legitimately contemplating signing up for a slot at the infamous “Cuddle Sanctuary”)…all within the next few days after my breakup. You need people, you need purpose, and you need wholeness, but you also need to process.
Jumping from one thing to the next – all in the name of distracting – will land you in some sticky situations. Some have even found themselves in someone’s bed…
6. Don’t Give Your Body Away
It grieves my heart when I see beautiful, strong, capable women gravitating to sex and one night stands, to “heal”. This one and #7 are likely going to be the most difficult, and especially if you gave much of yourself physically and sexually in your previous relationship. No matter how much or how little you did – sex or no sex – your body now knows what it likes, has history marks, and will likely crave them again. You likely have found yourself in a weird middle of being turned off from anything and everyone, and then the intense need to be held or touched in the same way you were in your relationship. This is where you must remind yourself of the importance of delayed gratification. This is where you will experience the truest art of punishing the mind. Listen to me. You do not NEED sex, in order to heal and to thrive and to become whole. Sex will not make you whole. Sex is not the pedestal of healing. Sex is not the answer to your shattered heart. Sex is not the solution to grief. Sex, sexual activity, or even just choosing to spend all of your time near an attractive bachelor who says nice things to you and gives you butterflies, will feel really good in the moment. But you must ask yourself – cracked heart and bleeding wounds – “How am I going to feel after this?” “Is this life giving?” “Is this healing?” “Do I need this…or do I want this?”
Don’t give your body away. You are in a tender, fragile, vulnerable place. Jumping from beds and men like a hot potato might feel orgasmically incredible in the moment, but it will not bear fruit. “Casual sex” or some fling is like eating heaping spoonfuls of sugar, in hopes of feeling satiated. I urge you to punish your mind, fight your body’s desire for an instant sensation, and to preserve yourself.
7. Forgive your Ex.
This is where the true taste of freedom will come. It is the one that will take the most time, effort, and patience with yourself. It takes work, but this is where I have found myself dancing in freedom and moving forward in wholeness. After my breakup, I migrated between immense longing for my ex, hating him, and somberly revisiting the last of our most painful conversations and moments together. There was really no in between. Eventually, my heart’s cry for him subsided, and I thought my bags were finally unpacked. I told myself many times that the day I even developed feelings for someone else, would be the day that I was finally healed. And one day, I did. And I fell head over heels in love. I thought I had healed, because I had moved forward with a new “somebody” in the picture. Guess what?I was wrong.
I moved forward, but I had not made peace with the past. I was still clinging to old hurt and wounds from my relationship, allowing it to manifest in my heart and soul. In one of many counseling sessions I received after my breakup, I was told a very pivotal piece of advice on moving forward and receiving closure: One of those pieces was that I needed to forgive my ex. Hear me out: Forgiveness is not always an overnight process, and does not undermine or rationalize what has been done to us. You know what forgiveness does?
It wipes the slate clean, and it replaces the old narrative with something brand new. Forgiveness digs out the roots, and creates room for something new to flourish. I had to forgive myself for the mistakes I made, the jerk I could be, the selfish decisions I had made, and the many pieces of myself that I gave away and dearly wish I could take back. I had to realize that much of the hatred I harbored towards my ex, were either reflections of the pieces I hated in myself, or looming bait to keep me enslaved. If I truly abided by Scripture’s emphasis to love my enemies, do good to those who hated me, and to pray for those who abused me (Luke 6)…that included my ex. It was a vicious cycle of painful memories, hating his guts, telling God I had no clue how to forgive him, breaking down, and repeat. My compassion was slim and my empathy was stale. But anger wasn’t a feeling I wanted to let manifest. Anger didn’t lead to freedom. And anger, resentment, and hatred certainly were not words I wanted to live by.
And then one day, months later, I sat alone with my thoughts and revisited some of the pain again. This time, something was different. It didn’t hurt. I wasn’t breaking down. I wasn’t harboring resentment. I found myself praying for him, his heart, for God to work within him, the same way I wanted God to work within me. It didn’t hurt. I prayed for the next girl who would be the one in his arms – a once unfathomable thought after we broke up – and even his someday wife. The idea of that used to numb me. It made me feel sick to my stomach. But this time: It didn’t hurt. If I could be made whole again, so could he. If I could be forgiven, so could he. If I could move forward in wholeness, so could he. Who was I to assume that he hadn’t changed? Wouldn’t it be denying the power of God to live through the preconceived notion that my ex couldn’t be redeemed? Or on that road? Or that although our chapter came to a painful close, it was not wasted time, and God could redeem his chapter too?
Forgive your ex. It takes time. It sometimes feels like force feeding yourself. But let me tell you: The joy, confidence, and pure liberation and dance in freedom that comes with it, is something I would not trade for anything.