FOOLPROOF

“Boring,” I sat in my tiny L.A. apartment, staring at the wall, “I miss boring.”

I think a lot of people assume that my life in the big city looked just like that photo above: Glam, excitement, collaborating with the VIPs and cool kids, adventure, access to totally legal marijuana (wink) (but seriously, I think 420 is Hollywood’s version of MLM essential oils – limb falling off? Weed! Xtra zing to that potluck dish? Weed! Anxious or bored? Weed!), and living the totally perfect life in the land of perfect people, a perfect relationship, perfect job, and basically living what seemed to be the American dream.

I even fooled myself into believing that at times. When life felt like a high or a quick burst of excitement – like being invited to The Academy in that photo above for a premiere, or standing beside Demi Lovato (first celebrity sighting ftw) in a luxe spa where I was about to be interviewed, or being the only female therapist at a leading sports practice, or being lavished by words and gifts by my significant, or meeting a producer who loved my moody portrait photography and wanting to collaborate, or going for runs in what looked like paradise from a magazine, or even just reminding myself, “You fought for this for over ten years. And now, you have it.”

But as I drove around Beverly Hills, windows rolled down and “Beautiful People” streaming through my speakers, the illusion of being bulletproof, was actually just as tainted as living life foolproof.

Thus began – what would only continue to get progressively worse – the journey of crawling through my own living hell. When one piece of my life eased, something else…something darker…would come with a vengeance. Even still, I convinced myself that I was fine. In exchange, I traded my sanity for death marching through, leaving much unprocessed trauma and less than pleasant happenings on the back burner. I didn’t look the part, and was even reaffirmed by outside sources that I “really seemed fine and over everything”. Many assumed (and still do) that when I speak of this, I am alluding to the breakup that happened. While I wish that were the only big city mishap, it is unfortunately but the tip of the iceberg to an array of what happened next, and what I failed to resolve before.

And so, I kept going. I kept going, until one day? I couldn’t go anymore.

Something was very wrong.

On the outside, I looked fine. Inside, I was crumbling. Everything around me was crumbling. Even still, my mind’s endless expectations and fantasy world within, said differently. Remembering how far I’d come – AKA the “good times” – held me captive. The preconceived notions I had for my dreams, kept me eternally trapped in my mind’s fantasy world that didn’t exist. Reality felt so dark. So cold. So bland. But, I learned something, that has propelled me forward when these seasons and their intensity hit.

Obsessing over the “good times” and living life through our mind’s fantasy world of what could be, will be our greatest downfall, deepest sorrow, and permanent torture chamber. There is beauty in enjoying past memories for what they were, but absolutely crippling to assume that because they happened then, they can substitute for the reality of what is happening now. There is power in proactivity and envisioning aspects of the future, but a toxic mask, when we predetermine what could be, and then it never happens. It all is like feasting on sugar, in hopes of feeling satiated.

Cowering to the past, and clinging to a future narrative that doesn’t currently exist, are our worst enemies. They will steal your joy, crush your hope, and demand you shackle and chain yourself to everything you have not fulfilled. When we find ourselves in life’s lowest of trenches, it’s easy to look back and assume that we were so much better off in the high.

In L.A., I missed “boring”. I missed simplicity. I missed low key. And just this week, I have reflected on last summer when I visited home, and how fruitful it was. It was seemingly perfect. I had an incredible job and colleagues. I pushed the hardest I ever had in training for a marathon, killed the runs, and was so dedicated, that I even pushed through while nursing a stomach ulcer. My long distance relationship for 3 months was actually way better than I thought. I traveled everywhere from Florida to Canada. It was a sweet time, filled with people and happenings and so much fruition. I was thriving. I had purpose. I was living in the high. And I thought I had it so good; as if life was supposed to be in perfect harmony.

Since March, life has slowly crumbled again. It’s felt like an “off season”. A million dreams, a million expectations – much like my time in Los Angeles – and instead, a reality far more different than I could have ever imagined. The perfect harmony I envisioned, has felt at times, more like a repeat of being crushed by God’s heel. It’s been a lot of loss, a lot of shut doors when things seemed to be on the up and up, and a lot of alone time. Four months later – since this pandemic called Covid19 hit – I’ve found myself wavering back to the past, or wishing that something could change.

But the truth is that last summer, my life might have looked good on the outside, but there was baggage and unresolved conflict on the inside. I resigned from the cushy job, because my values ended up not coinciding with some of theirs. That marathon training I thought I was killing, was actually killing me. That 2 week bout of nursing and pushing through a stomach ulcer, was but an alert for what would be something far worse. I thought that my relationship was thriving because of the distance. Instead, I was thriving because of the distance, and missed that cue far too late.

So, was last summer really all that great? Or, was it masking things far deeper that are now being brought to light? What if this sucky season actually is better than it feels?

And so, I dare to ask: What if this current pain is actually what you need? What if you are far better here, right now, than you were in those happy go lucky moments? What if THIS is the pruning? What if this is where your character is refined? What if we can exist in the chaos, and simultaneously in God’s peace? What if we can drop the shackles and chains of cowering to the past, and clinging to our presumed future? What if we don’t have to foolproof it anymore?

What if we can not look back, but in confidence, move forward?