LIFE UPDATE: Filming, Fasting, Traveling, & Self Bossing.

Oh wow, would ya look at that! An actual life update, and finally not something from the trenches of my brain. I kind of suck at just writing in a carefree, non-philosophical fashion. But alas, I’m learning to get OUT of the depths my head, so here goes nothing. Where to start? Well, I deleted allll of my social media on Friday night, and it felt so good. I’m one of the rare specimen who genuinely doesn’t compare herself to the Insta eye candy that is…well…Instagram; but it can suck the life out of me after a while.

I’m sick of seeing every single person’s political opinions, sick of seeing bullsh*t headlines, and sick of everything virtual as it is. I want to burn Zoom, give “Virtual parties” or gatherings or anything otherwise normal for the human race depicted on a screen the middle finger, and am even sick of seeing myself on a screen. InstaStory is my guilty pleasure, and I kind of dig the fact that you can see who hangs tight through a 40 clip stream, and who drops. I write out a list of who follows and who doesn’t. JK. But really, I feel deeply connected to others on social media, and it oddly does not make me feel isolated. I am selective as to who I follow, refuse to follow (most) celebrities/athletes/any perfected and overly filtered life, and have a pretty cool circle of likeminded individuals who are quick to back me when the troll stalkers make an attack. *wink*

Most of my closest friendships developed online, and I genuinely see people as more than just this fantasized “screen version”. That is also something I’ve been thinking about. Are we attached to the screen version of someone, or do we really understand that we are connecting with a real human with a real heart and real emotions and a real life behind the screen and blurbs of words?

Until at least Election Day (just in time to document the world burning), I am taking a fast. In a world where both ends of the political spectrum fear government or the “What ifs” over this nation, more than they do the sovereign God who created this entire freaking planet and holds us in the palm of His hand…I need to refocus. I love you, leftists, rightists, crazy theorists…but you all are annoying me. Heck, I’m kind of annoying myself too. Some friends and I have been reading Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster (goes all into prayer + fasting!), and wowza, is it both timely and stepping on my toes. 10/10 recommend taking a fast to read about fasting! Warning: Withdrawal and feelings of discomfort will likely occur.

And so, I am taking the month to focus on the reality in front of me, reading more, blogging more (here’s to monologue-esque updates, since Facebook and Insta are outta the picture!;)), and taking more intentional time for Heavenly Father. There is a project I’m working on/drafting, that strangely encompasses several individualized projects and writings I have serial drafted, but never completed. As I’ve allowed less distraction, I’ve felt so focused and honed in, and am so excited to share more in the coming days!

Since July, I’ve had way too much fun working on this short film. One last scene to go, and then that will be a WRAP! I got to play psychotic suspect in an interrogation room on Saturday…

We have put so much time and energy into this film, and my character, Emma, would have been my 14 yo. self’s ideal character to portray. I’m not much of one for dramas, and no longer watch thriller/horror. As a teen, however, I got way absorbed into the darker character’s traits/mood shifts, and always wanted to portray one. I’m careful with what I consume now and kind of hate Hollywood’s regurgitated message, and so it’s rare that I watch movies in general. Remember that “project” I mentioned above? Yeah; yours truly may or may not be transitioning into writing her OWN content. 😉

In fact, before I 100% agreed to shoot this, I phoned called Ben (director) and mildly grilled him to ensure it wasn’t witchcraft/demonic/basically anything I would regret later. Sorry, Ben!! But, thank you for reassuring me and letting me dissect it a little! As I read the script, I was a huge fan of the character shifts in Emma. I cannot disclose much right now, but it strangely symbolizes so many past seasons of my life, and the emotions that felt trapped inside of my head. And so, I moved forward with shooting this and exploring Emma’s character.

When we wrapped for the day, my face hurt and my skin was raw and burned from crying in what felt like 90% of these scenes. Drama is so not my niche, and ironically, drama is what I have almost always booked in anything stage/film. Comedic sketches are way more my comfort zone, and the more outlandish the character and read, the better. I think it’s because 1) I love to laugh and make people laugh. It’s good for the soul. Just saying. And I admit – I even make myself laugh sometimes. Ok; mic down. 2) I feel like I can 100% separate from my deeper, moodier emotions and just feel free spirited and enjoy the fact that a character’s awkwardness/kookiness is celebrated, when it’s not always as much so in real life and must be toned down.

Drama, I admit, makes me feel way too much in my own skin. It’s a love/hate relationship, because although I am mildly obsessed with deep, dark, moodiest of moody emotions…it is difficult for me to connect that to a character…much less raccoon eye cry on camera with snot running. LOL. Just keeping it real, folks.

We filmed in the woods in July. Imagine 90 degrees, 90% humidity, the downfall of man causing your organs to uhm…contract in not so friendly ways, if you catch my vibe…and for 8 hours. And the nearest bathroom being a mile away. Yeah, film set life is so sexy!

Film is so much fun. Though it is no longer the ultimate pursuit/goal as it was in my teens (ah, the days of striving for the artist’s life feat. body image issues and self destruction mode!) I hatehatehaaaate watching myself on screen/replay (#1 way to dislike yourself in 30 seconds’ time!), and yet, I love seeing the technical process, hours upon hours and take upon take, and it all coming together in one piece of sheer, visual art. I have mad respect for cinematographers and production crew. So much is learnt just by standing around and watching (which is, uhm, 90% of a filmset day lol), and seeing their fine tuned detail in the work they do is incredibly inspiring. They are the masterminds of all things light and shadow, sound, and notice the most microscopic tweaks or mishaps that any other human would miss. My fave line: “Now, we can see up her nose at this angle.” Thank you, Sam, for protecting my nasal passageway and fishhook nose ring from being accidental limelight.

The process of “the scene” is both grueling and invigorating to watch. Ben, you all are awesome! Let’s rock n’ roll and get this baby screened! Whoo hoo!

August was ridiculously busy and feels like a blur. I visited the beautiful Montana, came back, and shot a wedding the weekend after. Though photo + visual art is much more a passion/hobby for me now (including film!), it makes my heart soar when friends ask me to photograph their wedding. There’s something about knowing someone and their soul and being a part of their life, and them asking YOU to capture one of the most important days of THEIR life…that really is just the warmest feeling.

And then, I visited my friend, Emily, in WA. This was a bit of a miracle in and of itself, because airfare to WA literally can push $1000. I’ve gotten better about accepting some of reality for what it is and not working out and surrendering it, but for some reason, I could not shake the idea of NOT going to WA. Knowing Emily and her story and her being in recovery from AVM surgery, and so I prayed for God to work it out, if it was meant to be. Well, one night I lay WIDE awake. I could not sleep, and didn’t know why. I used to beg and plead with God to help me rest, but I now believe that our unrest and nights of tossing is a prime time to seek Him, and maybe even hear from Him. At 1 AM, a thought came to me: Just check Google flights. So, I did.

I found a 1 way ticket with American Airlines for $70. SEVENTY DOLLARS. My eyeballs about popped out of my skull. Was I really awake? Delusional? Just seeing numbers and forcing my favorite number “7” to be there? Nope. It was true. And then, I found a 1 way ticket back for a fraction too. In 24 hours and just 2 days before departure, my prayer was answered in a pretty radical way. Oh yeah, and pro travel tip (wink): Searching for airfare? Book 2 one way tickets, instead of a roundtrip. 😉 You will almost always come out way cheaper! And check at 1 AM if you cannot sleep or find rest! Haha.

I love my Washington people. It feels like a second home, and to this day, I am shocked that I do not live in the PNW, or some slice of WA. I met Emily and her mom, Kristin (founder of Delight & Be and Only7Seconds) through the captivatingly beautiful and intentionally crafted retreats they held for young women in the arts (primarily photographers) in 2014 and 2015. This is quite literally where my deepest friendships, to this day, were formed…from (GASP) the internet! It is really wild to initially connect with people through blurbs of messages, FB group posts, and only having their screen version and Insta photos to stalk. It’s this mental mind bending game of, “What are they like in person?” and trying to guesstimate everything from what their gestures, height, voice inflection, and 3D version must be like.

6 years later, and I am eternally grateful to Kristin for her obedience to God clearing the way. This woman lives in the TINIEST, most middle of nowhere town I have ever seen in my life…700 people in population…and yet, the community, lifelong friendships, and way of being WITH the people, is incredible. This was my safe haven when I said “Buh bye!” to Los Angeles in January, got struck down with Covid19 and basically lived in front of her fireplace and was fed smoothies and elderberry syrup for a week, and had croupy FaceTime rants with Emily, who also was struck down by the vicious wand. Haha. Coming back 7 months later felt like walking into a second home. It feels like picking up where we left off, and there is this joy and peace about their community and hospitality that makes one feel so welcomed and at home. Yes, I already want to visit again!

I stayed at the Delight House with my fave, Native Coloradan homeslice, Marcia. Her story from retreat attendee, to uprooting from Colorado to Washington, to now practically CEO/overseeing the ENTIRE non-profit…is pretty incredible. She has the most contagious laughter and joy, and you should totally ask her about that one time she chaperoned me to the ER in Chelan in January. Good times.

Oh yeah, and my Washington people love their coffee. They drink a whole lotta coffee. I’m a pretty bare bones, Americano w/a splash of almond milk, easy to please gal. Emily and Marcia…well…each have been baristas, so they order fancy things I’d have to write down on the Notes section of my phone if I made a group coffee run. Emily said my beloved iced Americano looked disgusting (“‘SCUSE ME?” *holds up watered down coffee w/melted ice cubes*), and alas, it inspired me to expand my horizons…

…I dropped by to say “Hi” to Marcia one morning. My request: “I want an Emily coffee.”

The verdict.

This is Emily. And those are her littles, who were basically my BFFs for the week. Only a few weeks prior, Emily flew for emergency surgery in NYC. Her recovery left her with only one functioning arm, while the other was taped/wrapped/essentially had zero use, due to the complexity of surgery and nerve flareup. I flew to WA to lend a helping hand in some sort of way, and yet, this beautiful mama was somehow mustering the strength to lend her ONE helping hand in any way she could. She somehow held a camera and photographed two families, crafted a cheeseboard, picked up a child, and in this photo above – did something seemingly simple in her eyes, but so heartfelt to me from afar…all with one functioning hand. Her patience and steadfastness astounded me, and her perseverance, despite her own slices of living Hell that she’s walked through…truly speaks to me. It is a testimony, and it reminds me the Light will only but continue to outweigh the darkness.

Emily, if I ever do life with a husband and birth a child, you embody precisely who I want to be like! You amaze me!

This is Mariyah Marie. She is also a Washington native, and I met her back in January, though it’s felt like waaaay longer than that. I’m telling ya – tiny Pateros and its whopping 700 in population KNOW how to do life with each other! I flew from tiny Greensboro, NC to Seattle, WA, and then took a 3 hr shuttle from SeaTac to a train station in Pateros that arrived at 10:00 that night. Mariyah is a saint. No, really. She had just moved into her brand spankin’ new apartment a couple weeks prior, had just begun one job, about to start school, and despite starting her SECOND job the next day…rescued me from the train station late the night before. I swear she is actually 30 years old at heart, and for being as young as she is and maybe even unbeknownst to herself, she is a living example of sacrificial love.

Hey Mariyah – I am amazed by your strength, compelled by your heart for sorting through the messy and the ugly, and claiming VICTORY over trials and painful seasons. Yes, your act of taking time out of your hectic life to rescue me from a train station at 10PM, sitting in your living room floor to have a soul chat feat. Domino’s take out w/ranch (obvs), and welcoming a crazy little NC girl into your guest room, and sending me off to Pateros with a bag of chocolate chip cookies…was the art of sacrificial love in my eyes, and it kind of shook my soul! Godspeed, sister!

“Holy” is the only way I can describe the Delight House. It’s not the fact that there’s a half drunk mug of tea and Marcia’s open Bible that look #InstaWorthy, but the beauty of conversation and people who are behind the doors. If Marcia is home, you’ll probably hear the faint sound of worship music streaming in the background, and even if she’s gone, you’ll see the pursuits of His best behind the scenes (like the open Bible and half mug of tea, for example).

It’s also just small things like this…

….That make one feel loved and welcomed.

Or, like perusing around Chelan, the coolest health food store on the planet, and seeing how many pink flowers we could find, with this sweetest face, while Mom goes to physical therapy!

Alaska Airlines had coffee (BONUS POINTS!), flight attendants who supported my theoristy mask, and allowed me to have seconds on coffee + water (anyone else ever inconspicuously sneak to the back and smile and ask for leftovers??), so obvs they quickly became my flight staple.

Also started drafting a little something, and that little something, may or may not now be merged with that “project” I wrote about at the beginning of this here post. Also, don’t you dare zoom in and count my email notifications.

I took a whopping one day of rest when I came back home, and then jumped straight into private practice. This has been a dream of mine for quite some time, and seeing it come to fruition has been like sunshine to my soil. My colleague, Missy, is an absolute God send, and I owe her so much for her Holy-kick-in-the-tush and belief in me to do this. After the rug POOF! Being ripped right out from under my feet (yet again) (story of my life) when Covid19 shut down half the world…I had zero structure. And that’s coming from a free spirit who is very fly by the seat of her pants. Being my own boss (#SelfBossing) has been both a freeing element to my life, and simultaneously exposed my own downfalls and immaturities and posed many challenges.

I LOVE not having to answer to a higher up, request days off, follow anyone else’s rules, and setting my own pay rate and knowing what my work is worth, has been a game changer. However, while I can totally rock n roll and hone in on my clients’ needs and the actual work in the session…I hate (HATE) the behind the scenes, aka: Paperwork (vomit), filing health intakes (vomit), dealing with taxes (vomit), opening a business account and budgeting (freeing – but still – vomit), juggling the hats of being my own marketer, front desk, and therapist all in one, and lastly: Putting aside self gratifications for responsibility over my business. You might be thinking that I’m speaking of the big, bad, scary, daunting business stuff, but really, I am speaking about the art of forcing myself to just fold the dang sheets before calling it a day…even when I’m bone tired and could caveman eat.

But it’s good. There is much growth and refinery in the discomfort of overcoming your own weaknesses, and being able to admit, “Yeah, I kinda suck at this ___ aspect, or my downfall and struggle is _____.”

Luckily, I have pretty rad community in my life. My friend Renee has the most serene, richly vibrant farm, and it is like the North Carolina version of the Delight House. It is a place of refuge and kind of like balm to my weary soul. We have the best porch chats, and if I stay overnight, let’s just say that Renee has picked up on my common theme of grabbing an RX bar and making some Keurig coffee…

I told myself I needed to take rest and recover a long while before traveling again. August was basically: Montana, come home, decide on private practice, last minute trip to WA, come home, officially open private practice.

But…Labor Day weekend was open…and my absolute gem of a friend from Sacramento and her fam uprooted to flipping GEORGIA! So of course, the day after my poor car brakes had to be replaced via my Los Angeles foot of lead…I had to roadtrip to Atlanta before life really picked up!

Basically, I road tripped for 4 days straight. I drove 5 hours to Atlanta, then we took a 3 hour day trip to the beautiful Savannah, got back at 1AM, decided to take a 3.5 hour detour and say “Hi!” to my grandparents, then drove 3.5 hours home.

And THEN I felt I could confidently (and forcibly) take rest.

I was invited very last minute to hear Eric Trump speak at a rally at somebody’s home. And in my last minute fashion, of course I said, “Yes!!”

Don’t be fooled though. I think the 2 party system should be abolished, probably will exercise my personal freedom to not vote (GASP), and despite the terribly overexposed selfie w/POTUS’s son above, I can confidently say that it was a pretty terrible rally. I really love observing human behavior, and especially that of crowds, the psychological phenomenon that occurs when you have likeminded people, hyped up but super watered down messages, and the speaker talks about everything but what POTUS actually will do in our favor.

What I’m trying to say is: It was basically a mob of Republicans shouting and screaming and feeling totally badass for any sly remark towards the opposing party. Good times!

After perhaps the most peculiar summer of my LIFE – just insert Covid19, a weird health flareup, and sleeping life away for what felt like 60 days – Autumn’s cooler mornings and evenings have set the stage for some better runs. In June, I went from running 10 miles and it feeling pretty average, to quite literally having to stop every quarter to half mile or so, and struggling to reach maybe 5 or 6 miles. My pace slowed, my joints were on fire, my brain felt this immense fog, I’d finish up, and crash for a 2 hour nap and still freel train wrecked, as though I’d just run 20 miles. Just imagine contracting a nasty flu strain, and the fatigue and body pain and feverish nature that comes with that. Just insert it randomly from May-July, in my life. Odd! Luckily, I’ve been working with my coach who was/is very aware and adaptive to all of this (shoutout to Brandon Hudgins! You’re awesome!!), and so even while feeling…well…super shitty, I was still able to keep myself moving. Track workouts (my fave) were cut, long runs were shortened, and though I mentally did not want to accept this decline in my running schedule, my body needed it.

Since all races are currently virtual (gag), I have no lofty goal on the horizon. Last October, I had my eyes on a 3:25:00 marathon and had my heart set on a Boston qualifier. That was all I wanted. From the time I spectated Boston in 2018 (aka the year of torrential downpour and even the elites dropping out on the sidelines from the freezing temps), to training my tushy off for 7 months, to DNFing, to getting injured, to getting sick….Boston was all I wanted. Now, I don’t really even know. I honestly just want to get to a START line in one piece, no pre-race stress involved, and just run as fast as humanly possible. I have some audaciously lofty goals, but time will tell if I ever even feel cozy mentioning them haha. For now, I just want to run a race, and even amidst frying my legs at the end, enjoy it and finish as strong as possible.

I was re-reading some journal entries from last year. This was both the last page of my journal since 2017 (Oh, the heartthrobs, heartache, and horror!), and also the entry I wrote just before saying “Good-Bye” to Los Angeles and returning to North Carolina.

“For now? Things unfold.”

9 months later, and I resonate with those 4 words just as deeply as I did in January. Need I say more?

If you made it this far, you’re a genuine trooper and friend, or either have a lot of time on your hands. Happy Wednesday.