Rear Window: Hindsight Doesn’t Have to Be Haunting

My alarm buzzed at 5AM. My stomach churned. All of the bags that were once packed with ambition and hopes and dreams, now served as a painful reminder of unfulfilled expectations. I brewed one last pour over on my tiny LA apartment’s countertop. “Am I really doing this?” It felt like sneaking around; running like hell from a toxic relationship or person. Only, it was the suffocation of a relentless compilation of brick and mortar and strangers and freeways and less than pleasant situations.

I felt very Julia Roberts in Sleeping With the Enemy. I rolled out the last of my bags, and crammed whatever I could into my SUV. In typical LA fashion, I piled the remainder curbside. Free to a good home. I walked back up and down the stairs with the last few items to purge. I stacked an air mattress and old Yamaha keyboard on a sofa someone else had already dumped by the road. “They’ll need the sheet music and lessons too,” and I found my theory book and placed it like a cherry on top. This day couldn’t have come soon enough.

And I left.

I could barely believe it. LA has this grip on your soul that entices you to come back to it over and over and over…even if it hurts you every time. It felt a little surreal. I glanced in my rear view mirror, and watched the big city slowly fade away. It felt weirdly rebellious – as though the skyline were a lover who I’d secretly fled. For the first time, I could breathe. I wasn’t enslaved to the horror and traumatizing past that was my city life anymore. I watched the familiar landmarks and places I’d frequent, pass by. Only this time, it was permanent. I would not be returning, and I took great comfort in that. I watched the place where I’d built my mind’s fantasized hopes and dreams and ambitions, become a faded memory in my car’s rear window.

Hindsight. It’s a word that we cannot fully grasp, until we are actually experiencing it after its lovely preface. For some lately, that’s looked like a giant pause on life, with little to no explanation, opportunity to show up again, or revive a scenario. It looks like athletes, who were on the grind day and night and ungodly hours of the morning, who tasted setback and failure and then finally fighting for the top…having their national event cancelled. Just like that. It looks like intellectuals who slaved over courtroom cases for a mock trial, hours of scrimmaging and collaborating brains and critical thinking….having the final competition cancelled. Just like that. It looks like concerts and events and gatherings and weddings and anything anticipated…cancelled. It looks like a lot of things. In the blink of an eye. CANCELLED. Just like that.

Often times, the only question that comes to mind is: WHY?

My, have I desperately asked that question many times, the last year and a half. While I knew WHY I was breaking up with the big city, what I really wanted to know, was WHY the traumatic events leading to my departure had to take place. I cannot tell you how many days I spent begging God for comfort, for a WHY. The word “WHY?” in my opinion, really translates more accurately to the heart’s cry for closure. If I’ve learned anything from my 23 years on this planet, it is that our humanly preferred version of closure will probably not come. The day after I was dumped by my boyfriend on FaceTime (Ok, it was mutual, but still…FaceTime? Yeah; that part sucked), a friend kindly reminded me not to get my heart too set on how I envisioned closure, so as to move forward.

“…I don’t want to sound discouraging…but you probably won’t get it.”

And she was totally right. I did not get it. I didn’t get it after my breakup, I didn’t get it when I left the city, I didn’t get it when I DNFd the marathon I thought I’d kill, and I didn’t get it with another potential love. POOF! Gone. Just like that. I think of the athletes, artists, students, business owners, any human with a plan in life…that was POOF! Gone. Just like that, amidst Covid. “WHY?“

Here’s the thing: Our version of closure – which is usually longing for an immediate, sensible, detailed explanation – probably will not come. But just because we cannot have our version of closure, does not mean that we can’t HAVE closure. We can absolutely find closure. I promise. I think that the reason we find this word to haunt so often, is because we believe that our human chain of events – supposedly unfolding in our particular order – have our best interest in mind. Let’s face it: Immediate gratification is rampant in our hearts. To make matters feel like salt in a wound, delaying something that is even logical and seemingly necessary in the NOW can feel like a curse. But what if “that one thing” – as golden and bright and even beneficial as it seems – actually does not have your best interest in mind: The race, the epic location move, the competition, concert, gathering, party, travel plans….what if the fruit that looks so enticing, actually happens to have a bad spot? What if you are far better off and it is in your BETTER interest, to have a piece of life fall a part? What if THAT is where the true grit and refinery manifest?

I was supposed to become a CA resident. I was supposed to go to school and run my first ever season of track with a team – my longtime running dream. I was supposed to secure my dream position as a creative media manager for a company I loved. I was supposed to kill a marathon and qualify for Boston. I was supposed to be doing life with the one I thought would be my forever. I was supposed to call Hollywood “Home”.

I left for Los Angeles, thinking it had my best interest in mind. I landed in the middle of Los Angeles asking, “WHY?”, and then I left Los Angeles confidently saying,

“Thank you God for destroying it all.”

My hopes. My dreams. My plans. At this point in time (insert Covid19), I cannot imagine being in LA. Even if I were still in the big city with all of the “supposed” happenings, guess what? Every single one would have been cancelled. Boston, school, track, and even forced quarantine orders to exacerbate the social isolation I was already enduring. That rear view mirror – hindsight – often is where we feel most cozy with acceptance, as we reflect back. It’s the plot twisted middle that feels a little more daunting; when all the questions are raging within. What about when hindsight takes longer than usual? Or, what if hindsight never even provides closure? The haunting “What if?” and “What could have been?” are our downfall. These questions will enslave us to the past, and hold us captive from moving forward. I believe that it is normal, healthy, and even important to feel pain or loss when it comes, but it is equally crucial to make peace in the uncomfortable middle; when the puzzle pieces don’t seem to fit. Instinctively, we resort to behavior as though “that one thing” that didn’t happen, is suddenly our LIFE in its entirety.

Well, it’s not. I want to remind you tonight, that this pause, setback, cancellation…ALSO could have your best interest in mind. I promise you, as MUCH as it feels like the end of the world…it is not. Are you still living? Breathing? Great. You still have a purpose on this Earth! Your time here is not done. This space, amidst your desperation for answers and closure, is a beautiful thing. Often times, we THINK we know what we want…but do we, really? Ever fought tooth and nail for something, only for it to be less than what it cracked up to be? Ever regretted a decision that you thought would be beneficial? I have. Sometimes what I THOUGHT I wanted – as I melancholically saw the skyline fade in the rear view mirror – was precisely what I needed to purge.

…And what I thought I didn’t NEED, was precisely what called me home. So, let’s look back and acknowledge the loss, feel the pain, but move forward, and one day confidently say: Thank you God for destroying it all.

The middle that you see in the rear view mirror is making you stronger. Hindsight doesn’t have to be haunting, pal. Chin up. Onward!